Office Party Secret Santa: A Poem

At least they had the decency
To hold the office Christmas party
During work hours, though we'd probably
All be celebrating even more
If we got to head out those doors
A little early, even four o'clock would be fine
This place takes up enough of our time
As it is, but I can't complain
For Secret Santa, I drew his name

I got him the perfect gift
(Given the ten-dollar limit)
My observations have paid off
I only hope it's enough
To convey what I'm too shy to say
I know what videogame he plays
I don't play it, but I crochet
My brilliant idea, I thought it was smart
To create a character in amigurumi art
I found only one pattern from that game
I hope this little elfish girl isn't lame
She's cute and I think she has magic powers
(She'd better, she took me over eight hours)

Time for the gift exchange
I feel like my life's about to change
Music's playing, the room is chaos
That's good, no one will pay attention to us

He opens the package and takes out the doll
Asks what it is and holds it up for all
To see. I shrink in my seat as they laugh. 
I pretend it's a joke, I'm good at that.
I tell him it wasn't his real gift.
I reach for my purse to find something in it
Say I know I have it, give me a minute

But it's just lip balm and tampons
Receipts and expired coupons
The group decides to move on
To the next one down the list
I tell myself I can do better than this
What can I offer
So I don't seem like a stalker
Who wasted all that time
On a present he didn't even like?
I'll get him a gift card
Isn't that the way to a man's heart?

With mumbled apologies, I slink away
Vowing never again to crochet
I hide out by the copy machine
Playing with my phone, trying not to be seen
I just want to finish my egg nog in peace
As I count the minutes until it's time to leave

Sorry to burst your bubble
When you've gone through the trouble
Of following the story this far
But no amount of wishes on a star
Will give this a surprise happy ending
But I think I'd be pretending
To say I was absolutely distraught
That we didn't end up together
No, it's better that we're not
By Valentine's Day I was sick of his face
Seeing it every day in the workplace

If it's any consolation
He's had a lot of fun
With that gift, my awkward one,
Hiding it around the office
For others to find
But next time I'll be more cautious
I'll keep to myself what's on my mind